Sneak peak at a real coaching session...
Updated: Dec 9, 2018
I often do counseling session via live-chat with clients around the world.
The following is an actual chat session, pasted here in its entirety with the client's permission.
In this session I'm referring to the five love languages to help this client with her relationship and communication challenges. (If you're not familiar with the 5 love languages, you can take a quiz and find your own love language scores here)
I hope you enjoy this rare sneak peak into a real life-transformation in process...
(Client's words in bold italics)
How have you been?
Good, i really managed to do a lot of stuff this week. I had bad news about my cat yesterday at the vet though
he is really sick and they can't do much for him... but i still forced myself to change my mind and set up my Christmas tree ☺️
Isn't it amazing how you feel when you make yourself do something when you don't have the motivation -- it's very empowering.
i feel more positive this morning even if its not easy because of my cat being sick – it’s hard on me when he’s suffering…
yes, so sorry to hear that....
But, you're managing that pretty well...and You're doing things without waiting to feel motivated - two good marks for you today! What else is going on?
I dont know, i still need to go back on the « notice focus » thing,
i kinda let this one go and i feel like i also need to work on the« Love langagues » more cause i always feel neglected by my boyfriend but he does a lot for me, at least i can see it
oh yes! Did you send me your love language scores previously?
Hum yes i believe i did, i think
Tell me more (while I look for those scores) about what hurts your feelings the most in the relationship AND maybe what he complains about the most.
All right What hurts me the most is he seems to not listen to me, i speak and sometimes i ask him what i said and he kinda knows, but he stays silent so i cant guess that he heard me. And sometimes i speak and his answers are something totally unrelated to what i say.
And i wish we would discuss more, naturally and i would feel listened to. So every time i speak i sometimes don’t even give him the time to answer an im already « answering myself » or making little comments. It doesn’t help.. also for him, i feel like he spends so much energy to try to deal with his moms emotions (she is really having a hard time and making everyone’s life harder around her) that when he comes home its like he just shuts down when he sees I’m feeling down or unhappy. He doesn’t have th same energy, like he thinks im being like his mom but sometims i have legit reasons to be unhappy, but he just cant seem to be open to hear me. And that hurts. He complains that i always am complaining lol
LOL ironic complaining about your complaining....
Ok here are your love language results you sent previously:
Hers: Words & Gifts, Time His: Acts & Touch
Yes on the quiz I had 8 words, 8 gifts, 6 quality time - and my boyfriend had 11 acts of service and 10 physical touch, only 4 words and 4 quality time --but then i asked him "can you tell i love you?" and he told me « When you say i look good » LOL
So, do you have the scores, the original numbers from your tests? Do you remember your other numbers - the lowest ones?
Yes it was 3 acts of service and 4 physical touch
ok so you had these numbers: 8 words 8 gifts 6 time 4 touch 3 acts of service
Yes (I answered for him from what i know but maybe it would be different if he had done it himself)
yeah.....you probably can't guess for him....it's hard to read minds.... So do you think he would do it for himself? That would be AMAZING and very helpful!
I will try to make him do it ! I barely see him in a week but i'll find a way
LOL you can tell him you think it will make you more sensitive and less apt to complain :)
LOL less complaining he will like that
Yes -- the cool thing is that when we get him what HE WANTS -- you're going to get what you want, too.
It almost always works that way! I promise. Giving away what you want to receive has a way of opening up your heart, washing out the yucky stuff, and clearing up all that room to be open to the joy and love you desire.
It's ironic and pretty predictable! It's just hard to start, but it's really fun when the tide turns and starts coming back your way in benefits. :)
I sometimes get impatient i think that’s one of the problems, like i get all « oh i do stuff for you that you like why cant you do the same » that doesn’t help i know
LOL yeah -- that childish kind of "keeping track" is seldom helpful, you know....and it really feels kind of yucky, doesn't it?
Yes absolutly… he does it too
Like we know the result we want, but this just doesn't seem to be the way to get there.... The way to get there is usually the Opposite of what we naturally FEEL like doing. What's up with that?! Exactly i can feel it like i just push him away further
Once again we really need "self control" to come in and save the day!
So, if we just lived our lives every day, every hour, every minute to "do the thing that is most unnatural and most difficult for me to do (initially) -- do as many of those things as possible" I think we'd actually be must happier with our results.
It is the hardest part i guess, but sometimes i really do it, I’m feeling good actually but i usually get tired and be like omg this doesnt work - he is still not listening or answering and that’s when i have to start over
yeah.... hold on there -- I see something I can coach you with that part --
When you are doing something and you're expecting a certain reaction or response from him...think about it.... what are you focusing on?
My Focus is on my satisfaction and my own feelings
But who has the power to satisfy you or make you feel good
-but in this specific situation, you're actually giving the power to him -- if your satisfaction is contingent on HIM responding a certain way, you've given away your power.
Yes its true - omg ive been told that by my sister
your sister told you that?
Yes she said i need to focus on myself and not on him, that i can only change MY vision, it made me think of this
So the key is to keep doing all that simply because it makes YOU happy to do it, and you aren't giving your happiness to anyone or anything else then.
You just be the best version of you, regardless of whether he ever changes -- then it really doesn't matter if he does or not - you don't need him to be happy. (you think you do right now, but believe me, you really don't)
Yessss i do, i feel like when he is mad not even because of me i always feel bad about it, like i just don’t like feeling his angriness or just even slight moodiness. He tells me a lot that its not even related to me, i just feel anxious when he's like that. When sometimes he is just hungry lol
That is precisely what i feel like i need to do, and its like i also expect him to be the same with me
yeah... sorry about that -- but what if you were simply "immune" to his moods.
His moods really don't hurt you, right?
No actually i just get anxious and sometimes we start a fight because of thus and afterwards I’m like wow that was stupid
So when you react to his moods they get worse!
Yes they often do
So sorry - that's a little difficult.... Yes but i feel like if i stay calm and ignore him it passes.. so at least i know it can go away
So - how about we find his love language (for sure) and then instead of "ignoring him" when he's like that - you could actually LOVE him instead.
For instance, if it's acts of service and touch.... when he's venting like crazy and having his little meltdown or whatever, you just calmly make him some tea and then sit really close to listen..... crazy?
Yeah i can get o do that.. but sometimes it is hard because he tends to run around the house doing every sorts of thimgs, cleaning or any chores
(LOL - my love language is acts, too, and I do that when I get stressed -- clean the whole house!)
He totally does that, and then he expects me to help and I’m like eeeh yes, but no WAY!
So - forget the tea - grab the mop and jump in!!
(He might want you to be really close to him if his language it touch, too.)
I will try that because just this week we had a fight for that lol.
He was doing some chores and he wanted me to clean the floor to help because we were going to the movies at a precise time.
We fought because he thought i did not want to help... and i stick to my guns and say i will do it when i want
LOL your stubbornness is going to have to go to a time-out when he needs you in times like that.
Two stubborn persons we are lol
I am the oldest so i guess ill be the bigger person first lol
If you do give up your stubbornness and just love him -- I promise that love will come back.... maybe not immediately, but if you get consistent with this...your love life might just exceed your expectations!
You'll become quite attractive to him!
Yes i feel hopeful about this actually… Optimistic even I'm hopeful too -- anytime you do something to change up a pattern, you know what happens?
…It is a step in the direction of what we want
yep – and it changes the pattern -- and you didn't like the old pattern, so anything you change, changes the old to new.
Yes i don’t like to fight BUT i feel addicted to it and maybe it’s what keeps me on the wrong pattern
Soon you will get addicted to feeling the "self control" and feeling "immune" to his moods. That's a good feeling!! It’s the best HIGH ever!
Yes i think so! We had some great times when we thought we finally broke the old pattern, particularly this summer, i think about this sometimes.. we just felt better…
When you feel stubborn coming on you.....treat it like a virus or a really high fever -- get it out of there as QUICKLY as possible. IT is the mortal enemy of your happiness.
And if HE is being stubborn and doesn’t seem to respond, i just continue to do what i was doing ?
Yes, you find other ways to allow your happiness and love to be a part of your life....even if he's not open to it at the time....sometimes we are just in a funk and we don't want to be happy yet....
Cause sometimes i just insist on him opening up and blablabla
…but then if the opportunity is still there when we cool off...and the door is still open (you staying in a good mood and open to love) he will be able to come around and you can make up.
Yeah i get it.. i felt that if he was feeling bad and we had a fight because i insisted or anything that it was not « normal » so i wasnt opem when he cooled off.. i think this will be something i need to remember, i felt he was being a bad boyfriend o something lol
yeah -- that's a vicious cycle - so you're never on the same page at the same time.
So, the question for you is..... what can YOU focus on when he isn't responding the way you'd like - to keep yourself open to happiness and stay in Love until he comes around....?
You might need to create a vision board to look at, or a few songs to listen to (or come back and read these posts) or something - what do you think? Let's get a plan....
Songs can work but it depends if i let myself become angry, that is the part that i will need to work on the most it happens quickly some days.
But songs and re-reading here can help.
Do you have bubbles? I have other clients who escape to blow bubbles into their shower or something to release bad energy - blow them and watch them pop and that gets you back into a state of love and self control.
Lol yes i think i still have some
Actually even taking a shower with my lush products makes me happier almost everytime
wash off the anger and stubbornness and emerge with love and self-control
My boyfriend is alwYs happy when he gets out of he shower too lol
maybe you suggest he shower or you go take a shower yourself (and maybe invite him to join you? -- that'll change up the pattern!)
Yes i could totally see this working, if i dont block up my feeling and stay stubborn it could definitely work
Treat stubbornness as POOP - flush it immediately!
Actually it seems stubbornness is the worst
I am going to wait anxiously for an update on your opportunities to practice -- do not expect perfection, but DO expect change.
Yes ok :) I'm THRILLED we got to connect today.
I feel like today was a magic key for you.
Oh it was definitely!
I'm so excited for you. You can do this!!!
You’re so welcome -- bye for now.